The weekend was a sad affair. With the weather going to be nice over the weekend I decided the time was right to say my final farewell to my wife.
So Saturday afternoon I drove up to Scotland and found the place she wanted to be – and I cried. The evening was spent in a nice hotel nearby, a couple of pints and a fish and chip supper in the restaurant failed to quell my sadness and I cried myself to sleep.
A wakeup call at 5:45 meant the time had finally come; I quickly dressed and drove to the spot. At Sandra’s funeral one of the pieces of music played was Jamiroqai’s “Corner of the Earth”; I played it and again was overcome with emotion. The sun was breaking through the clouds and another sunrise was with us; in her final weeks she would always get up early and watch the sunrise through the windows of our apartment which made her know she was alive. I had taken the top off the urn earlier so she could see it as I drove to the spot, a small harbour north of Edinburgh.
I climbed onto the rocks and with a last goodbye I spread the ashes. She was now gone. It was my last goodbye.
I headed back to the hotel and went back to bed and cried myself to sleep. I miss her so, so much – my wife, my best friend, my soulmate.
As I drove back over the Forth Road Bridge I kept looking back to see the spot and kept saying goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. And then I was on land again and could see the spot no more and concentrated on driving back to Manchester.
Its funny because before, although she had passed away I didn’t quite feel alone. And now her ashes are spread I feel totally alone. I thought afterwards that perhaps I should have kept them but it was her wish that they were spread there and I am glad I found the inner strength to do it.
The rest of Sunday was somewhat surreal and I tried to busy myself. Again it was the emptiness and loneliness that seems so huge.
Tuesday was my photography class. I took along my camera but forgot my notes. I would have gone home to get them but the traffic was a nightmare as a result of the Manchester United Champions League home game against Barcelona.
I just couldn’t motivate myself during the class and ended up just talking with a couple of people. The only positive thing was that I put up an ad on the wall advertising one of my cameras that I want to sell.
At least when I got home I managed to get my office sorted so I could sit at my desk.